How to Listen to Your Child

Next to physical survival, the greatest need of a human being is psychological survival – to be affirmed, to be appreciated, and to be understood. Children will listen to us after they feel listened to. We often deny our children’s feelings by talking before listening to what they’re trying to tell us because we want them to feel better instantly or because we criticize or evaluate their behaviors before even trying to enter their inner world and understand their strong emotions.

From a scientific point of view, it is very important to acknowledge feelings when they’re strong because it’s very hard to have a conversation with someone who’s emotional while you’re being logical.

So, what should you do instead?

  • Listen with empathy, using your eyes, ears, and heart: empathic listening is so powerful because it gives you accurate data to work with. Instead of assuming thoughts, feelings, and interpretation, you’re dealing with the reality inside another person’s head and heart. You’re focused on receiving the deep communication from another human soul.
  • You can acknowledge your child’s feelings by simply saying words like “oh”; “mmm, I see”; “sounds like you’re upset” with a caring attitude. Putting feelings into words produces therapeutic effects in the brain as it brings the emotion down to a level where you can start a conversation. But this also invites a child to explore his own thoughts and feelings, and possibly come up with his own solutions, instead of giving him yours.
  • Then speak… Ask what you want, without punishing! Children are cooperative by nature. We usually cooperate with people we have a good relationship with and people we trust. When we break down that connection by punishing them, they no longer trust us and no longer look for our guidance.
  • Some alternatives to punishment are more effective and teach children to reflect on their behavior so they become more responsible. For instance, when allowing a child to experience the consequences of his misbehavior, or offering him a choice between two options, you’re putting the ball in the child’s court; the power is in his hands. He’s in a position where he has to think and decide what to do to stay in a win-win situation with you.

(Written by Haifa Dada, certified youth, parent & family coach and CBT coach)